What's Happening
LEAKED: Vice President and admitted trans-advocate Kamala Harris plans to announce new grants for schools that agree to install state-of-the-art gender-affirming surgery centers in their classrooms. Each participating school will receive $100 in cash and an additional $100 Amazon gift card for them to use to purchase supplies such as surgical scalpels and sutures.
Gender-affirming surgical table in 7th-grade matc classroom at Wechan Gesex Middle School in San Francisco, CA
"We think this is a great way to support children who are questioning their gender. They're comfortable in schools, except, you know, during active-shooter drills or exciting live-fire school shootings, and this way their parents won' t figure out what we're doing until it's already done," said Harris who is the Democratic nominee for president.
Fox News host Jesse Watters bloviating outdoors
Multiple GOP operatives and politicians expressed outrage at Harris's almost unbelievable plans to mutilate children without their parents' permission. "I'm the only one who should be allowed to hurt my kids," said Fox News host Jesse Watters. "That's my right, and mine alone, because I own them."
Source Revealed
Our investigators traced the leak to an elderly man speaking outside to a group of people who appeared to be inbred but who were impressively still able to dress themselves in red hats and American flag clothing. Although he was cowering inside a "bullet proof enclosure," it was revealed that the senile old man was in fact President Donald Trump, the nearly 80-year-old geriatric senior citizen who is somehow the 2024 Republican nominee for President of the United States.
In a video of the event, President Trump says, "Can you imagine you're a parent and your son leaves the house and you say, 'Jimmy I love you so much, go have a good day in school,' and your son comes back with a brutal operation? Can you, can you even imagine this? What the hell is wrong with our country?"
Sources in the Trump family are saying that the aging patriarch has dementia and shouldn't be taken too seriously. "He does this all the time," said one source. "He thinks he's holding a 'political rally,' so we humor him and let him ramble for a couple of hours and then he gets tired and we can get him back in bed."
Given that the President of the United States is the most powerful person on the planet, the GOP Jesus Organization felt that voters should have all the facts.